My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
