That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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