they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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