he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Randomize
