Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
