I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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