Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize
