I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
