I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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