I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
