i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
