My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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