You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
