If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
