my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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