it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
