How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
