Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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