I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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