I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
