The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have already put on my inside pants.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
