A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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