Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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