never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
