I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
