I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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