The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
