I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
