There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
