Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
