Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
