some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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