i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I AM VODKA MAN
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dick very happy bro
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize