i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
