Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
