I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize