he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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