Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
