I'm so fucking centered right now
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
