Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
