My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
