dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
