I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
