Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
