I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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