Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
