true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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