I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
