the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Just cropdusted the office
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Randomize
