wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
