I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
