he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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