Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
