If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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