Do you still have your period?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Randomize