I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
