Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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