Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize