Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
