Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Randomize
