I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
