remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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