OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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