Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
