If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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