If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
