he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
