I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Dear god my vagina.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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