there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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