Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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